Blue Eyes and Rosy Cheeks

November 22, 2005

Today, we found out I was pregnant!  I almost couldn’t believe it was true.  Your dad was the most excited.  He was so happy and proud.  His eyes were lit up like a little boy’s in a candy shop!  You are our special little gift from God.  We are so thankful to Him for blessing us with you.  You are due July 27, 2006, but I wish it were now!  We are looking forward to meeting you our precious little miracle!

Love, Mommy and Daddy

January 4, 2006

Today I wasn’t feeling well, so I went to the hospital for some tests.  We had some sad news given to us.  We were told you had stopped growing at 6 weeks old and there was no sign of a heartbeat.  We cried and cried till the tears came no more and I know there will be more to come in the next days, months and years.  For whatever reason you became very sick and God thought it best to take you home with Him so you could be strong, healthy and perfect – just like we wanted.  Please know we loved you so very much and we always will love you.  Our hearts miss you terribly, but we look forward to the day when we will finally meet.  You are our first child, my precious little, and our first miracle that brought so much joy.  That joy has passed temporarily, but will be restored one day.  What a blessed day that will be!

Love always and forever, Mommy and Daddy

These are the first and last entries in the journal I started for our little one.  Devastation and anger with the ever present question of WHY? were what surrounded my thoughts and emotions.  How could this happen?  Hadn’t we been through enough?  Why can’t we have something good happen to us for a change?  What did I do, was I not careful enough?  I shouldn’t have moved that mattress by myself.  It’s all my fault – I killed our baby?  Blame, guilt, anger, sadness.  Things Satan loves to see us engulfed in.  When we are sinking deeper in the sea of these hopeless, self-destructive emotions our eyes are not on Christ.  I was mad with Him as I felt He could have prevented it.  I felt so numb.  I have never felt so…well I can’t even really begin to tell you how I felt.  It was a very dark time for me.  I honestly wanted to cease from living myself.  I withdrew from everything and everyone.  I was constantly taunted be the words of family and friends that tried to console by saying there will be more.  In some strange way, in the a little corner of my heart, I knew there would be no more.

“Time heals all wounds”.  In some regards this is true.  This time in my life helped to bring about the change in our future by leaving behind all we had and moving to NB.  I slowly came out of the darkness of my sorrow.  As angry as I was at God, He never left me – He did not forsake me.  I had a broken heart and I needed Him to mend it.  Did I let Him?  Yes, I am not a cardiologist.  Guess what though?  The healing did not happen over night.  For the next two years we were on the emotional roller coaster, remember how much I love them, of “I think I might be pregnant, oh wait, false alarm”.  How did I get pregnant once and now it just doesn’t seem to be working?  I saw a gynecologist.  She determined endometriosis.  There was the possibility for surgery.  Did I want to do that?  There was no guarantee it would fix the problem.  I decided to wait.  There was always the route of in-vitro, but where would we get the money?  We even put our names in for adoption, but they were still working on files from 1999.  So with all these options and doors seeming to close at every turn, we gave up.  Sometimes if you have to try so hard for something it might not be worth pursuing.  I think Steve had settled this in his mind long before me.  I think I was trying to fight the Lord by wanting things my way.

So, now I had made that heart wrenching decision to forget about having a baby.  Now I had to muster up the courage to accept that.  I wanted to have an instant peace.  Okay, Lord I give up, you win, make me feel great about life.  I would be doing great for a few days or weeks or even a month or two and then something would hit me a certain way or a memory would come and life as I knew it was over.  It was a source of tension in our home at times.  I dreaded baby showers, jealousy would creep in when I was least expecting (no pun intended) it.  Oh, and how do you show your over-elated joy when someone tells you “I’m having a baby” – especially someone like your sister who pops children out like a Pez dispenser.  In case you didn’t note that, the above mentioned line was one I would say at home when I was having a boo-who moment.  I would get so mad at myself for not being stronger and for not letting go.

The loss of someone we love is a very emotional time.  Did you know that there is actually a grief process that we all go through?  Well, now you do.  Dealing with grief is different for all of us.  The process is always the same, but how we go through it and the length of time is very different.  For some it may only take a few months before they feel that weight lifted, others can wait years before they take that first big breath of fresh air.  For me, that first gasp of new breath was just last summer (2012).  That’s right, it took 6 years for me to come to grips with this whole ordeal – that is one long roller coaster.  I will never forget the moment – just like I will never forget the two moments noted at the beginning of this post.  But that is what healing allows us to do.  The hurt goes and we are left with memories.  Some may be good and some bad/sad, but it’s how we reflect on them that changed our outlook.  I was doing the dishes and looking out our kitchen window, looking for shapes in the clouds.  It actually around the time of our little one’s birthday.  I was thinking back over all that had happened over the past 6 years and all of a sudden I had this peace.  It was as though I had a light bulb flick on over my head.  As much as I would have loved to be a mom, I realized that if we had had a child we would not have accomplished any of the things we had.  I would not have wanted to follow Steve to Bible school and leave all our family.  I would have had to stay home instead of leading a youth group or doing Bible studies with young gals.  I wouldn’t have been able to spent countless hours beside me husband’s bed in the hospital.  The list goes on and on.  Again, I firmly believe I was allowed this experience so that I could come alongside others that have gone through this same experience.

I am so very grateful for all the Lord has allowed me the freedom to do.  We have 6 nephews and 3 nieces that we love with hearts overflowing.  We are know as Uncle Steve and Aunt Julie to countless other children and we have been able to pour out and into teens, young adults and children through Sunday School and VBS programs.  We have also had the privilege of sponsoring two wonderful individuals through The Arms of Jesus Children’s Mission.  We call them our kids.  Dominique is 17, he is from Haiti.  Steve likes to tell others that Dominique is a striking resemblance of himself, but just tans better.  Maria is 13 and lives in Guatemala.  There is a verse that has become very dear to my heart over these past years in regards to children,

“Sing, O barren, you who have not borne!  Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, you who have not labored with child!  For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman,”  Isaiah 54:1.

This has been so true in my life and I don’t say that to brag.  I may not have been able to hold the little one I was so privileged to carry for a short time, but I have been able to hug, laugh with, cry with, share with and show the love of Christ with so many other children.  So, what I saw as bad, God saw for good.

Lamentations 3:22-24, “‘Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.  ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!”’