December 23, 2018 the phone call came.  Cancer.  I hate that word!  I hate it like I do spiders, but I cannot squish it and kill it!  The victim – my sister.  She had gone in to the hospital after giving birth to her eleventh child (Nicholas) due to pain in her arm and extreme fatigue.  Test were run immediately.  Samples sent away.  Results coming back as positive in breast, liver, and lymph system.  It is aggressive and the prognosis is not good.  Is this a nightmare I am having or is this really our lives right now?  How?  I don’t get it?  Seriously?  What about?  What if?  This can’t be right?  I cry and then I am okay.  I hurt and ache.  My stomach is in knots.  Sleep is restless.  Then I feel a peace and a calm.  Most days I am in a fog.  But all days I have been pouring my heart out to God:  “Lord, I need you this minute and all the minutes of the next however many days.  I cannot go through this alone.  I don’t have any clue why this is being allowed, but teach me along the way.  I pray Your grace, goodness and faithfulness would be seen.”

“Sometimes we want greater clarity when what we need is deeper trust.”

~Ann Voskamp~

Is this what God is asking?  Does my faith and trust need to grow roots down deeper?  Do I need strengthening so when the wind blows strong I can stand firm?  There are so many questions?  Did God disappear, is He ignoring us?  Absolutely NOT!  I sense His presence, I know when He has spoken peace.  Their is a comfort knowing Jesus is acquainted with our grief.  Even He questioned why while hanging on the cross for you and me.  Ultimately He accepted and surrendered to the will of God the Father because He knew there was a much bigger picture and the outcome was going to be glorious.  I know I must do the same, however, it is not easy to accept that this outcome may not be how I want it.  I still believe God can do miracles today and I am praying for one in my sisters life.

“Admit it: When your heart is being wrung out like a sponge, when you feel like Morton’s salt is being poured into your wounded soul, you don’t want a thin, pale, emotional Jesus who relates only to lambs and birds and babies.  You want a warrior Jesus…You want the strong arm of an unshakable grip of God who will not let you go.”

~Joni Eareckson-Tada

I am leaving tomorrow to be with Mel and I am going to need my warrior Jesus.  I am going to need that strong arm.  I will be keeping the older children going in their studies and helping where needed in health care.  I will also be spending as much time as I can making every moment count.  My thoughts and words may be scattered in this blog, but it has been hard to express all that has been going on in this heart and mind of mine.  I will try and update on this unknown journey as much as I can.

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added affliction He addeth His mercy;
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limit; His grace has no measure.
His pow’r has no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

Annie Johnson Flint