It has been 2 years since I sat down at my laptop and typed a post.  Two years!  “Why the days of silence and why now the break of that silence?”, you may ask.  Well, we had some busy days that took my attention away from sharing, but the biggest reason, I had no desire.  I guess it is fitting that I share this with you now as yesterday was mental health awareness day.  Yes, I struggled with depression.  It has just been recently that I have finally had the determination and excitement to start blogging again, hence the title.  In order to begin, I would need to share and that isn’t always easy to do.

We now believe I struggled with it for a number of years, but I couldn’t recognize it.  Depression, anxiety, mental illness…whatever you want to call it, manifests itself differently in individuals.  What I believed to be depression (based upon what my father-in-law and husband went through), was not what I saw in myself so therefore, I did not have depression.  As a woman, I always chalked my moods/feelings up to hormone imbalance.  However, when I felt so numb inside and the simplest things seemed like an enormous undertaking;  when I didn’t care about anything and thoughts of wondering if anyone would really care if I was gone ran through my head;  when I lost my smile and wanted to stay in the house where it was safe became a constant in my life, I, at the urging of my husband, sought medical attention.  My doctor was very understanding and helpful.  Apparently, individuals who are “over-achievers” and perfectionists can struggle greatly with depression because we are striving for something that doesn’t exist.  We don’t know how to stop.  Our brains never shut off – over analyzing, planning,  remembering things that aren’t ours to remember, taking everything in and never letting anything out.  Everything was screaming out in me that I had lost myself.  I remembered a girl I once knew (a little shy around strangers, but a clown, a laugher, a jokester, someone who cared for others, full of energy and had a song for everything), however, I hadn’t seen her in many, many, many years.  She had slowly disappeared over the years with life’s challenges, stress, unforgiveness, bitterness, etc.  She had basically become a 36 year old with an 80 year old brain.  When things get over-worked and worn they start shutting down and that is what my brain was doing.  It might have even been a “this system will self-destruct in 10, 9, 8, 7…” moments.  Just like the slowness depression can take over you, it is a slow process to gain control over it.  For me, it was medication that did the trick.  Am I cured?  No!  Even with medication there are days that are a struggle to get through, but I recognize them for what they are and I am able to cope better.  I feel “normal” now because no one has a fantastic, perfect day everyday.  The wonderful thing is, I found that girl again!  Even Steve has learned new things out about me!  My daughter (yes, you read that right!  Spoiler alert!) thinks I am a nut and a crazy lady at times, but I figure if I make someone smile in a day I’ve done my job.  I have been living life anew.  So I think I have said all I need to about this cheerful subject.  To recap, “Hello, my name is Julie and I am a mental case!”.

Some good things that happened over the past two years are, we purchased a new house with a couple acres and we brought the most lovable, energetic chocolate lab into our home.  Charlie makes us smile and he is learning to be a helper for Steve around the house, at work and around town.  We have been training him ourselves and it requires consistency and patience…lots of patience.  God has been so good to us.  We have been blessed abundantly, even through the dark days.  He has healed, restored and renewed.  He has been faithful and His mercies have been new every morning.  He has done much for us so I am ready to continue my journey of sharing Him with you.