Funny thing: this post was spurred on by another shower. This time no anxiety, but laughter and tears mingling while an oh-so-familiar song played on the IPad. A song that I have heard so many times - never knowing how real it would become to me. It literally could be my testimony right now!! Seriously?! How does God do it?

The weeks preceding my surgery (after my last post), I continued working with my counsellor and allowed God to be very present. By this I mean, picture my heart/mind being a trunk of stuff - useless stuff (fear, bitterness, unforgiveness, doubt, regrets, failures, anger, etc.). Now, I previously gave God the go ahead to help when I admitted I needed help and sought it, but I really only let him take all the locks off and pull a few things out. However, even those few things started to lighten my load. I started to like feeling a little freer. I thought we were done though. Apparently, I am a bit of a hoarder when it comes to these things... I like to think I can control everything. This past year, especially, has proven that fact FALSE! So, when I began to dwell on Psalm 28:7 ("The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped."), I began to step aside from the trunk and that's when it got messy. Stuff started flying out like a dog digging for his bone! Things I didn't even know I had put in there. I tried to object several times, but I was given the word, "trust." Then I saw it! The last item in the trunk, the bone, if you will. I snatched it quickly, hoping to keep control over one last thing! (I'm not even sure what that one last thing was, come to think of it.) God, my loving Father, put out His hand and said, "He will keep the mind that is dependent on Him in perfect peace, for it is trusting in Him." (Isaiah 26:3) How I longed to have peace. To not worry, to not have to solve every problem, to not have to think the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I gave him that last item. He needed to pluck my fingers off it one by one, but I gave it. The trunk is now completely empty! I no longer need to carry it around. I cannot tell you how good it feels to be so free!

Okay, so, that was a little rabbit trail...

So, the day of surgery arrived. I continued to focus on my two verses, Isaiah 26:3 and Psalm 62:1-2, "I am at rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will never be shaken." The nurse called me in and gave me a new outfit to don. I thought I was quite stylish in my hair net, johnny shirt and blue slippers until another nurse put the most elegant compression stockings on me. The staff was so friendly and comforting. I felt a little overwhelmed with everything so a few tears rolled out. The Lord enabled COVID restrictions to lift shortly before my surgery date so Hubby was able to come in and spend a few minutes with me in Pre-Op. I also had another visitor, my family doctor, pop in to say, "Hello!", before I went into the OR. For the first time in my life, I had no fears or worries. As my bed was pushed into the OR, I felt immense peace in the room. I knew without a doubt, God's presence was right there beside! It was an experience I will never forget. That peace I so longed for... I felt it, I knew it, I had it!! All I had to do was trust - nothing else. And I did! I had a lovely sleep until they woke me up. I was in the middle of walking my dog, I told the nurses that too! The surgery went very well. I was able to see Hubby, Daughter and Mummy before I went to bed that night. I spent overnight at the hospital and returned home the next morning.

It was so wonderful to have my mother here for the first week of recovery. She fed us, kept the boys (Hubby and Dad) busy and was lovely company on the front porch. Recovery has gone great! The only negative part of post-surgery was having the drains out. I thought my throat was being pulled out through my chest!!! It's not an experience I would recommend to anyone. Although physiotherapy is uncomfortable, I face it with determination! Last week I was able to finally put a ponytail in my hair and this week I was able to hang my clothes out on the line. Hubby and I have had many laughs as we concoct methods of doing different tasks together. It has been an excellent bonding experience. I cannot express to you how good I am feeling, not just physically, but spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I feel so happy, joyful, stress-free, at rest. Things that could only be because I relinquished control of my life and placed my completely trust in the Lord. I am so thankful for His grace and mercy that never ran out and continued to pursue me. With Him I can walk confidently into tomorrow and surgery number two whenever that day arrives. So, to bring you back to what started this post, I will leave you with the lyrics to the song I feel God designed for me.

Scars by I Am They

Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
'Cause my brokenness brought me to you
And these wounds are a story you'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I'm standing in confidence
With the strength of your faithfulness
And I'm not who I was before
No, I don't have to fear anymore

So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see
How you delivered me
In your hands, in your feet
I found my victory

I'm thankful for your scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart
And with my life, I'll tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful

I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
So forever I am thankful for the scars