Dear Reader,

I would like to share a story with you about someone very close to us.  (She is aware of this and has given permission for me to disclose this information.)  The names in this story have remained the same and no animals were harmed in the telling of this.  I think it most fitting to start at the end of the beginning…

“I think I need help!” she managed to stammer out before the flood of tears came.  Did she really just say that?  Did those words really just come from her mouth?  As fast as they were out, she wanted to take them back.  To the man sitting on the couch across from her they were wonderful words – he may have even used “glorious” words.  However, to her they were words that spoke of weakness, words that revealed a lack of control.  These were words that had been screaming to come out for years, but like hiccups are forced down by sipping water upside-down, these words were forced away and stifled by a tough demeanour and sheer determination to control all emotions at whatever cost.  She knew she was defeated, but, strangely, surrender felt good.  She was tired of fighting, tired of concealing the truth, and as much as she enjoyed baseball, she was tired of her one-member team and playing all the positions.  No more busyness.  No more running.  Now she sat still.  Now she listened.  Now she learned.

December 19, 1990 at approximately 7am, a young girl made a choice; a choice that would eventually be her undoing 24 years later.  Upon receiving news of her dad’s death she shed very few tears.  Her heart turned angry toward God and her mindset became one of trying to control her environment so that she would not be hurt again.  She felt the only one she could rely on was herself.  Over the years she let go of the anger toward God, but she still wanted to hold onto that “superpower” of control.  She had been through many trials and experiences that proved God was faithful, He was sovereign, He was in control, and He was good.  She believed it…let’s be honest, she did not believe it fully.  She knew all the right things to say to others, she knew the peace only He can give, she knew, she knew, she knew, but she really couldn’t accept them as truth.  If she did then she would have to let go of her “superpower”.  Not that it was a perfect “superpower” because things still seemed to happen without her permission and no matter how hard she tried to be good and do things for others.  However, it protected her in terms of keeping her emotions in check; putting on another layer of toughness; telling herself to get over it, you need to be strong, you need to prove to people you have it all together, you can do everything, if you do more or do it better, God will favour you and bad things won’t happen again.  The thing no one told her about “superpowers” is they do not exist and even if they did, they all have a weakness and fail at some point.

That point came!  Growing up, her mother used to describe her as a pressure cooker and this is exactly what the scenario could be best pictured as.  In November of last year, steam started to escape in the form of realizing she needed to resign from her job as she was getting overwhelmed by her schedule, being a wife, taking care of her home and husband.  She finally accepted the fact that she couldn’t do it all (this was a huge deal for her).  Thinking that she had made a fabulous decision she anticipated life would be great now.  Wrong!  (Well, technically right, but after the surrender).  Then after New Year’s POW!!  All the years of anger, bitterness, grief, lies, regrets, negative thoughts, low self-esteem, hurt, frustration, lack of sleep, etc., exploded out of the cooker!  Flinging the mess all around!  There was a racing heartbeat, chest tightening, butterfly feeling in the stomach, flushed face, hot and cold…panic attacks and often…fits of anger, fits of weeping, her mind was not focused and she couldn’t function – the simplest task seemed insurmountable.  What was going on?  She had completely lost control and there was nothing she could do to get it back as hard as she fought.  All these years, she thought she had dealt with things, but now, the truth was being made known and she had to face the past along with the fears she harboured about the future.  She was a complete and utter mess.  She was broken.  She was not who she thought she was.  This was in fact truth as the real Julie disappeared 24 years ago.

January 8, 2015, “I think I need help!”  This was the moment He was waiting for.  This was when my Maker, my Physician stepped in and with my consent and plea to be fixed, he started to operate.  This was when my Father took me in His arms and said “I love you, Julie, the one I fashioned and formed.  The person you have tried to be for all these years is not who I meant you to be.  You are so much more.  Just be you!  Let me take care of you.  Let me show you how much you are to me.”  I am now discovering just who it is I am in Christ and what I mean to Him.  I am learning that what He did for me has absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with Him (by grace, by faith, through Christ, for His glory).  To me:  He is Healer, Comforter, Peace, Father, Mighty Warrior, King, Saviour and Lifeline..He really is my everything!  These are not just words anymore, these are names I truly believe and trust – names that I want to shout from the highest peak (being afraid of heights though might not allow this – maybe the highest mound would be better)!  The last few weeks have not been all peaches ‘n cream as you might think.  I have good days and okay days.  I say okay because I have to believe that even though I feel rotten, there is good in the day and I’m still here so it must be for a reason.  Today has been a good day.  Some of the past days have been exhausting.  I am still dealing with grief and working through proper thinking.  I know I am also dealing with the fact the Satan would rather have me back where I was.  Everyday is a work (3 steps forward, 2 steps back), but I’m learning to let go.  I am really learning to lean and trust my Redeemer.  I like feeling free!  I am looking forward to finding out who the real me is!

I am so very thankful for my best friend.  It is strange to have our roles reversed as I am the one battling right now.  He has been through this darkness himself so it is comforting to know that his words are accurate and we will come through this together.  He has often referred to me as “fun Julie” when I’ve been in a good mood so upon this revelation, the “man on the couch” (Mr. Cabral) suggested to mark the day, I go out and make a snowman.  Well, I had to get creative as it was not packing snow, but I managed to shape some of the white stuff into a snowman…with praise hands.  I even went further when I saw on Facebook the next day a snowman made out of a sock.  I now have one sitting in my livingroom where I can see it constantly.  It will sit out year round as a reminder of this new phase in my life.  I can now start living and my future is bright filled with hope!

The following is a reminder I have printed off and have sitting in my kitchen window – very accessible for a quick mental check: